He recently let me know that he feels, especially after he moved in with me two years ago, that he’s no longer able to do what he wants when he wants. This is true; the house often needs maintenance, I work in a laboratory and need to be on-site almost every day, and I have two dogs as well. That stuff ties you down, so I suggested he do one trip without me every month or I’ll join him when I’m off work and can arrange dog care.
But that all involves having to plan ahead, which is “part of the problem.” I asked him if he was trying to let me know he wanted to break up, and he was really hurt and assured me he loved me and wanted to be with me.
I asked him what would make him happy, and he said he doesn’t know yet; he just wanted to tell me how he’s feeling so I’m aware and we could brainstorm together, but he doesn’t like any of the solutions I’ve offered. The conversation was left unresolved, and I’m worried his feelings will turn into resentment if we can’t come up with a solution. Is there some answer I’m missing?
Not Footloose: Since marriage and kids aren’t happening, why can’t he just come and go as he pleases? Is that too much planning for him, or too little boyfriend for you?
You live your life as it suits you, and he lives his life as it suits him, and you enjoy each other’s occasional company and full-time contentment.
This isn’t necessarily incompatible with the responsibilities of a house and pets. It just means they’re your house (cover yourself legally) and your pets, and he contributes a mutually acceptable share of the upkeep — in cash or effort.
Couples are happier when they do whatever works for them, mutually, onlookers be d—ed. But if the non-boyfriend boyfriend is not your thing, then that’s not your thing — no judgment either way.
Re: Footloose: Marriage, mortgages and kids are irrelevant here.
Unless you’re extremely wealthy, EVERY grown adult has to plan ahead for something in life: food, taxes, shelter, clothing, work, money, travel plans, transportation, pet care, etc. I find it very hard to believe he wasn’t doing that before you. He was, just on his terms to get what he wants.
I sincerely hope I’m reading this wrong, but it looks like he’s shooting down any solution that involves him doing something in the hopes you’ll do it all for him so he can go off and do whatever, whenever he wants.
Anonymous: Thanks for saying this. I called him Peter Pan a couple of times and backspaced, because they either find mutually agreeable terms or they don’t and that will settle it, regardless of what I think of anyone’s maturity. But you’re absolutely right to flag that he’s shooting down all the letter writer’s suggestions. The mature thing is to trade ideas, not say, “No,” “No,” “I don’t know!” while a partner does all the brainstorming work. He may be tipping his hand that he wants out — without having to own it. (Theme alert.)
