As the years have gone by, I can’t help but think about his wife. When I think back to the abuse this man put me through, I wonder about her and what kind of abuse she’s suffered at his hand. My understanding is that they’re still married. Sometimes I feel the need to reach out and hold her hand and tell her that she’s not alone in her struggle. I want to tell her about all the horrible things this man did to me, and share the knowledge I gained about all his other affairs over the years. I want to tell her that he threatened to kill me.
I want to do this because I want to see her get out of the place I narrowly escaped, and I want her to feel validated. I want to hear that she found happiness outside of that hell. My biggest problem is that I don’t know if I feel this because I want revenge on this man, or because I want to mitigate the damage I might have done to their marriage, or because I truly feel a connection to this woman I’ve never met. I don’t even know how I would reach out to her without her husband knowing, if I ever decided to do so.
If your suggestion is to not reach out, I’d love advice on how to reframe my abuse, guilt and need to know that she’s doing well. I am still married; that affair gave me everything I needed to understand and appreciate that my husband is an absolute jewel of a man.
— Sisterhood Or Revenge?
Sisterhood Or Revenge?: It has been many years since your affair with her husband. He has had numerous sexual affairs and only one of those was with you. They have been married many years; it’s not likely she doesn’t have a clue about her husband’s infidelity.
So my question is, who do you imagine will gain anything from you contacting his wife about your affair? Do you expect her to have some kind of awakening that will suddenly and miraculously enable her to stand up to him, or to liberate her from her marriage? Really? Has it occurred to you that she may have resigned herself to his infidelity and whatever benefits she may gain from staying in the marriage?
You deny her the right to make choices for herself by assuming she needs a stranger (who has wronged her) to rescue her from her miserable life. My suggestion for you is to find a therapist to discuss this with. That will allow you to unburden your conscience without harming anyone.
Sisterhood Or Revenge?: Do not reach out. I say this because it probably won’t help her and brings you back into his orbit. She needs the support of people who are going to be there for her in the long term and that can’t be you.
If this still haunts you, I would suggest a support group (since therapists are still backed up), and maybe you could find a way to volunteer that helps others in abusive relationships.
Sisterhood Or Revenge?: The only course of action right now is for you to sit with your impulses until you figure out what your motivation is. You’re stating lots of nice stuff about validation and hand-holding but that sounds very clean and like a neatly wrapped-up movie. That’s just not realistic. Is your desire to reach out a way of making amends for the pain that his wife and your husband experienced? Are you looking to create an unmistakable distinction between the person you were with him? A kind of rebalancing of karmic debt? If so, don’t.
You deal with the fallout and guilt on your own with a good therapist. You don’t need to know how she’s doing. You may want to, but it’s not a need. Other things to consider: are you willing to risk allowing this man a potential way back into your life? Does your desire to help his wife stop at hand-holding? Jarring someone’s world and then walking away could create more harm. Are their children grown and out of the house or are they still minors? Does your impulse honor your marriage?
I commend you for escaping an abusive relationship. I know how hard it is. Contact the domestic violence hotline (800-799-7233) to see what they suggest. The people who can really help her are those with the resources to actually do so. That’s what she needs.
Sisterhood Or Revenge?: Don’t force her into a decision she might not want to make. You know about the man, but you do not know anything about her, like why she has made choices she has or how she would react. I get your guilt, but all you can do is move forward.
If she were ever to contact you and ask for details, tell her the truth. And all you can do for YOUR husband is to continue to appreciate him. Trust me. Having been a mess in my 20s, I will never forgive myself for some of the things I did, but I can be a better person now. It’s all any of us can do.
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
