Quite a number of years ago, my elbow was broken in a car accident and never healed correctly. The way it healed, it doesn’t comfortably rest in my lap. It’s more comfortable resting on the edge of the table, so I do this when there’s no one to offend.
At the table closest to me was a family with three kids, probably between 8 and 12 years old. I heard one of the kids comment to their mother, “SHE has her elbow on the table.” I didn’t realize that SHE was me until the mother actually leaned toward me and said, “You know it’s impolite to put your elbows on the table when dining.”
I could have told her it was impolite to check her phone while dining, but I didn’t notice she was doing that until later. I just said, “Then I guess it’s a good thing I’m dining alone and not with you.” It’s bothered me since then, and I’m now wondering if the rule about resting my arm on the table applies even when I’m dining alone — or at least where others can see me. Should I have said something other than what I said? I don’t think I was doing anything wrong. Do you?
The medical exemption is not the issue here. Rather, it is the mother’s attempt to teach her children manners by being blatantly rude to you. What she could have said to her child was, “She is an adult, and it is impolite to criticize other people’s manners.” Of course, she might have had to add “ … unless you happen to be their mother.”
By instead confronting you, she not only set a terrible example, but provoked you to defend yourself. Miss Manners cannot agree with your response, although she accepts its practicality; an offended “I beg your pardon!” would likely have invited further rudeness.
Dear Miss Manners: How should I respond when uninvited guests, a family of four, ask what they can bring for a holiday meal? We did host them last year, after they were pushed on us. I am guessing they now feel they have an open invitation. We have a modest home and will be hosting 13 total without this extra four.
“Oh, I’m sorry, we’re not giving quite the same party this year.”
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
