It’s so weird. Not even a year ago, we were both worrying about identical things that all came back to financial concerns. Now I’m still worrying about that, and she’s worrying about how to gently let down the decorator she decided not to hire — because she found a better one.
I am not a materialistic person, but this is weighing on me, and I’m afraid it’s going to hurt our friendship. How do I not let it?
Envy: My youngest sister and her husband have built a very successful business and are very well off. She and I have been close all our lives and this is a relationship I value greatly. While you may think this is a different situation from yours because she’s a sister, let me say that our other siblings have distanced themselves from her because of the wealth.
She and I had a conversation a few years ago in which we acknowledged the difference in our financial situations and set some guidelines for us to be able to not make the relationship about her wealth. We are clear that I cannot afford everything she can. When she (or her husband) invite me to a place that would be expensive, they pay and I graciously accept. I show my appreciation by enjoying myself and their company. If I offer to treat them, they are to accept, because that’s my signal that it’s something I can afford.
Please don’t make the mistake of assuming your friend has changed simply because she is financially better off than you — unless, of course, she has changed and flaunts her wealth. My sister is the same, sweet, generous, lovely person she has always been. Have the courage to open this conversation and “negotiate terms.” Make your friendship about all the qualities you value in each other and not about the money. If she’s a friend worth keeping, she’ll value that from you.
Envy: Some friendships survive significant life changes, and some do not. But to know for sure, I would exercise kindness, patience and understanding. Why? Because you sound like you are very good friends, quite close and have a lot in common. That’s a rarity in today’s world. Good friendships deserve a second and even a third try when they hit a snag.
I would wait it out for a while. There is a chance your friend’s excitement about newfound wealth will level off — nice, new things will become the new normal and no longer a topic of conversation. After some time, if decorator crises don’t subside, I would have an open conversation on how the new dynamic does not seem to be fulfilling your friendship needs. Your friend’s reaction will tell you whether she is just going through a phase or if you are dealing with a whole new person who is no longer a match for you.
If the latter happens, just think how often friendships don’t survive geographical distances. So, it is normal for a friendship not to survive a new financial distance sometimes.
Envy: The thing about true friendship — not surface friendships of convenience — is we care for the person and their welfare. The circumstances of their lives are just window dressings. I would ask myself what is it that she is feeling under her concern for the decorator? Does she worry about hurting another’s feelings? Does she feel uncomfortable or like an impostor in her new circumstances? Essentially, what is the universal human feeling that she has?
You can connect on that deeper level, and, as her friend, all she needs is someone to listen and not judge. She can do the same for you. Of course, it could be that you have a surface friendship, and that is okay, too. If that is the case and you cannot get over the changes in her life, it might be that it is time to gently and gracefully let the friendship go. In the end, it would be kinder for both of you.
Envy: It sounds as though it already has hurt your friendship, since you say you can no longer relate to her. Interesting that you think she feels the same but give no example.
Ask yourself if you are making untrue and unfair assumptions about your friend. Maybe when you’re together, steer the conversation toward things you still have in common. And ask yourself if your reaction is a defense mechanism against your fear that she may no longer be interested in maintaining your friendship, and whether you are looking for ways to confirm this.
You don’t want to create fertile ground for a self-fulfilling prophecy. Look for things you have in common and enjoy them together. Just as you always have done.
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
