When asked at the end of the party if she had been bored, she said she had had a great time but was trying to include her long-distance boyfriend whom she misses so much and can’t go any length of time without contacting.
I didn’t want to call her out on her behavior at the party and am hesitant to do so now. She has very low self-esteem, but she also wonders why she loses friends. What can one do sensitively in a situation like this?
Sensitive to whom, exactly? It can’t be to yourself or your guests, as your friend strikes Miss Manners as remarkably insensitive to them. But she agrees with you that allowing your friend to be so rude is also insensitive to her needs — a phrase she shudders to use — as it will only further isolate her.
As it would be impolite to correct your friend’s manners, the least unkind thing to do is to find a new eighth for your next party. And let’s stop asking the guests if they are bored.
Dear Miss Manners: I traveled by bus to attend a funeral for a family member in my hometown (where I no longer live). I don’t mind riding the bus, and in fact, I relish the chance to listen to a podcast or audiobook and unwind.
The bus ride was about two hours, and I was seated next to a woman whom I could not, despite my best and most mannerly efforts, disengage from conversation. Should something like this happen in the future, what is a polite but FIRM way to disengage a chatty stranger, short of simply putting in my ear buds and ignoring him or her?
The rude person on the bus — or the train, or the airplane — has convinced you that ignoring her would be rude. It feels rude. If we ignore her own rudeness in forcing you into a conversation, it would be.
Miss Manners often says that one rudeness does not justify another, so how can this woman’s rudeness cancel the rudeness of ignoring her? Because it does. Etiquette is not stupid. It may, occasionally, allow one to use politeness as a bludgeon — but it does not allow rudeness to be so used. You may listen to your audiobook with a clear conscience, but you must steel yourself to do so.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
