When we invite my in-laws to visit us, they show up without fail, except when my parents will be present. Then they bail on us at the last minute, claiming illness or car trouble, etc. My father-in-law skipped Joey’s baptism (we didn’t know until my mother-in-law arrived without him); they were both no-shows the Christmas after Joey was born, letting us know only when we called to find out why they were late; and they canceled very last minute for Joey’s first and second birthday parties.
I’ve wondered if this is due to racism, since my dad is Black and my father-in-law was obviously surprised and unhappy when they met, even asking if he was my real father. (I mostly look like my mom, who is White.)
Recently, my husband asked his parents what was going on, and my father-in-law claimed my dad makes him uncomfortable since he’s “a blowhard who makes everything about himself.” My husband said that’s not true; my dad is outgoing but also a good listener. My father works for a local sports team, and when people find out, they ask him for stories and inside info on players, etc.
Now, my in-laws have asked us to arrange separate celebrations so my father-in-law “can be comfortable.” I think this is ridiculous, but I also see how upset my husband is when his parents miss out on major events for Joey. Should we accommodate them? I’d hate to do this if it’s all due to racism, but I’m not sure that’s true.
I Look Like My Mom: If it’s not racism (sure sounds like it, wow), then it’s childishness to an extreme, and neither one warrants indulgence. Even taking his excuse at face value — they can’t abide a blowhard long enough for their grandbaby’s baptism? Seriously.
I do feel for your husband. But, no, it would be a mistake for the two of you to accommodate his parents in the slightest on this, whatever their reasons to request separate celebrations. It’s madness.
Events happen. His parents can show up or not. Their choice.
Raising your son well and protecting him as needed will take clear priorities, built upon values, formed out of decency — all backed by a functioning spine. Your in-laws just handed you a sense of urgency to get that parental infrastructure in place.
Are you sure, by the way, that your husband is upset his parents will “miss out”? Or is he upset that he has a shameful mess where his parents are supposed to be?
· Joey’s dad should tell his parents they don’t have to be best buddies with Joey’s mom’s parents, but their actions look like they place their annoyance above celebrating Joey and it isn’t a good look. Show up to a birthday party/baptism/whatever and just make basic conversation with people you don’t like — this isn’t hard.
I doubt you want to be throwing Joey two weddings, so Joey’s grandparents are going to have to get over themselves.
· If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a (racist) duck. Father-in-law was visibly upset when meeting his daughter-in-law’s Black parent? Avoids them ever since?
