We’re all in our 30s. I know they may not hit it off, but also they could! They’re both great people and have indicated being open to setups, which is why we’re introducing them.
For some reason I am nervous about my behavior during this setup! I’m worried that it’ll come across like my husband and I are chaperoning, or that I’ll be nervously talking too much, or too little because I want them to get to know each other. I’m excited about introducing them, but afraid I’m going to be so awkward! Do you have any advice for when we all meet up?
Maybe Cupid: Lots of bars host trivia nights, and it’s a great way to take the pressure off any one person in the group. It’s an activity that requires working together, and it’s a good way for the two people to learn about each other’s interests, intellects and level of competitiveness.
I was recently set up. We went out for trivia with the setter-uppers, and it was immediately clear that the guy was SO not my cup of tea, but I knew my friends would’ve been hurt if I’d made an excuse and left. Instead of slogging through a dinner or drinks with no objective other than the introduction, I was able to focus on the trivia game and felt less miserable staying. Over the course of the game I was able to REALLY confirm that the guy wasn’t right for me.
I hope it goes better for your friends, but please don’t take it personally if they don’t hit it off!
Maybe Cupid: As one of the last of my friends to get married, I found the most successful setups were when friends didn’t tell us it was a setup. They simply created a small social situation to which we were both invited and let chemistry take its course … or not. Even though your friends know it’s a setup, you can still borrow elements of this method. First, throw out any of your — and your husband’s — expectations. It’s just a night out with friends, nothing more. The only goal should be that everyone enjoys the food, beverages and conversation. Anything else is icing.
Don’t act like a host or an emcee. Refrain from pointing out the things you think your friends have in common or the reasons you thought they’d like each other. Let them discover these things for themselves … or not. Don’t ask your friends pointed questions in a ham-fisted attempt to signpost things you think they should know about each other. Let them ask each other questions and find out interesting things about each other … or not.
All you’re doing is putting them in the same beaker. Chemistry will take its course from there … or not.
— Throw Away Expectations
Maybe Cupid: This is how my husband and I met (sort of). After I expressed my frustration at the local dating scene, a good friend reminded me of a friend of his I’d met once before briefly, and said friend made sure we were both at the same Fourth of July party. We got married six years later, to the day. The mutual friend was our officiant.
Since you’re already worried you’ll feel awkward, why not make it more of a group thing, like a BBQ for a bunch of people you think would all get along? Or an event, like meeting at a farmers market or outdoor festival? A formal dinner might feel too, well, formal, so do something different.
And try to change your mind-set. Haven’t you ever introduced friends from different parts of your life to each other, like work friends to hobby friends? Remove the romantic hopes from the situation, and just go have fun with two people you enjoy being around.
Maybe Cupid: I read a lot of “I” statements in your letter. Take some deep breaths and remind yourself that this meetup is about introducing your friends to each other and not about you, how you will look or sound, or how your friends perceive you. And while you acknowledge this may not work out, your nervousness and excitement are betraying your hope that it will work out. Turn your attention to your friends, what you know about them, and think of questions you can ask so they talk about themselves. Let them tell their own stories. If you need a strategy to stay calm, come up with a signal with your husband so he can squeeze your hand or do something else to remind you to take a sip of water, take a deep breath, and direct a question back to one of the friends so they do the talking.
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
