It can also be a good exercise to notice the difference between being quiet because you’re listening, and being quiet because you’re composing the next thing you want to say. The latter is something a lot of people do when they’re socially uncomfortable (for all kinds of reasons). If you’re doing that, then work to recognize it and turn your attention back to the speaker. A reader suggests asking yourself: “Am I listening, or am I just waiting to talk?”
You’re allowed to have thoughts, too, and related experiences can be part of good conversation. But the hijacking risk is high, so any mention of a similar experience is best kept to nugget size, followed by turning the attention back to the original speaker and their experience. Be brief and close the loop.
You can also ask first, when you have an experience you think would be relevant. Something like: “I went through something similar. I won’t step on your toes, but feel free to ask me about it later.” Also try imagining, deliberately, how they might see your example.
If you’re susceptible to hijacking conversations, though, then stick to asking questions for a while and not raising your own stuff till you feel more able to keep the focus on the storyteller.
And if you hear yourself messing up, it’s also okay to stop in the middle and say: “Ugh, I hijacked your story, I’m sorry. Please go on.”
Dear Carolyn: When a person is in a mental health crisis, they are advised to visit their ER if things are serious. Other than keep that person safe from self-harm or harm to others, what can an ER do to help this person? I would like to share this info with a friend who is suffering a round of severe depression.
Anonymous: This is tricky, because there are, in too many places, dire shortages of such care, leading to horrific wait times — but the ER is the first stop for many toward longer-term therapeutic placement. Depending on where you are, the ER referral can be the way to get admitted to inpatient treatment.
And to be clear: The safety from harm to self or others stands alone as justification.
Because you (and possibly your friend) are thinking about this now as a hypothetical, and the need for care is not emergent, I suggest using this time to find out which hospitals’ ERs are equipped to handle psych referrals, and whether there are facilities in your friend’s area that serve this purpose better. It varies so much from one area to the next that it’s hard to make a blanket recommendation (thus the default advice to visit an ER).
The Crisis Text Line — text HOME to 741741 (crisistextline.org) — is a 24/7 source of support and can help people figure out where to go for help. The Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 988, is also available 24 hours.
· I’ve been in this position with a family member; no one would even talk with us until we were referred by a hospital. Another option is the person’s psychiatrist or therapist; they often have resources that can get you in the door.
