I have asked her several times over the last year if she is interested in wearing bras, wants to go bra shopping, wants me to buy some things for her to try, etc., but she has shut me down every time. Am I doing the right thing by checking in periodically? Do I just wait until she brings it up or do we need to force this?
Tween Parent: Just as I received your question, I was reading the latest data on girls starting puberty earlier and the different emotional and physical struggles early puberty can bring (such as breast growth). This is especially pertinent for young Black girls, as they are beginning puberty earlier than their White counterparts and are seen as more adult (and less innocent) than their White peers. I mention this because it is important to consider that some children going through puberty are not given the same latitude, freedom and compassion as others.
I am not surprised that your daughter has shut down your multiple attempts to get an answer on the bra question. The only person who is more worried about her breasts than you and your husband is her. Developmentally, tweens are known for an increase in self-obsession; they will swear that everyone is staring at them (even though every other tween is thinking about themselves). But the truth is: A curvy 11-year-old girl will be stared at. And if your daughter is like other children her age, she would rather disappear than be noticed. So when you ask her questions about bras and her breasts, the last thing she wants to do is talk about it.
Forcing your daughter to wear bras is a tough way to start her puberty journey. Even though it may seem like she was just 7 years old, you want to set a precedent of respectful communication, thoughtfulness and compassion. The topics will only become more nuanced as she grows into her tween and teen years, so here is a good chance at beginning on solid footing.
Because she may not want to face her growing breasts at all, you may have to use your experience and wisdom to step in as her parent, which is different from forcing. Whether it’s in sports, dance or another activity with a dress code, there may be times when you need to say — as parenting experts Vanessa Kroll Bennett and Cara Natterson (authors of the “This Is So Awkward” book and podcast) put it — “I’m not going to require you to wear a bra all the time, but when you’re wearing something sheer, we need to find a layer for you to wear so that your private body parts stay private.” If you have been talking to her about her body up until this point, your daughter will understand that every human has the right to keep their own body private and that this is a family value. There is no shame, just a matter-of-fact statement of safety.
As for what you should do about the actual bra, Bennett and Natterson have some thoughts on the many options: “Some squeeze into compressive sports bras; others opt for barely-there bralettes. And some eschew bra-wearing altogether. We must put our judgments aside and remember that styles come and go. That said, if she does opt for a bra, something soft that hugs without binding, made from cotton that won’t trap odor is ideal.” Giving your daughter plenty of options without over-talking will help move the decisions along.
Now that puberty has begun, please have frequent sit-downs with your husband to create some messaging moving forward. While parents don’t need to become expert sex-educators, we do need to show up for our children and provide clear information in a loving way. Navigating puberty during the tween years has always been fraught but with social media, many girls feel even more pressure. It is easy to look at this as “just about bras,” but this is the beginning of the discussions around menstruation and other body changes, consent, sexuality, gender, romance and dating. Most of these conversations happen in small spurts, and it matters that your husband participates and models how men can demonstrate respect for women (i.e. not forcing young women to wear or not wear things). Books like these can help smooth the conversations and give your daughter the space to mull it over. My personal favorite is “The Care and Keeping of You” series (also by Natterson). I also love the website amaze.org for digestible videos about all things puberty related.
Your influence as parents may feel unsteady, but you are more important than ever. Your daughter needs your wisdom, steadiness and guidance, so while you and your spouse don’t need to be “on the same page,” with every issue, it will only help the family if the parents can meet in the middle. Good luck.
