My sister is livid that our mother won’t move, is calling her selfish and says she will no longer be available to help her. I think our mom has a right to make her own decisions and don’t understand why my sister is so angry.
I really don’t want a family rift at this point in our lives. How can I help my sister understand our mom’s wishes?
— Trying to Keep the Peace
Trying to Keep the Peace: The biggest issue I can see here, for you, is that every issue in your letter is more of an issue than you realize. So I’ll take them one at a time in reverse order, in hopes of making some rift-explaining (or mending!) sense.
First, your signature: This is not about peace. It is about needs and the ability of all three of you to understand, anticipate and meet one another’s, respectfully and realistically. So if your focus remains on “keep[ing] the peace,” then you will remain as you are now, on the outside helplessly looking in. Bluntly speaking, I’m sorry.
Next: The word “rift” is probably accurate, but the bigger issue is frustration. It’s mutual, I’m guessing, between your mom and sister over the mismatched … let’s call it chronology of their thinking.
Your mom is in the now. I don’t blame her for this one bit. She is a healthy, competent adult with her own life, and it doesn’t take an oracle to see why she doesn’t want to move. I wouldn’t either.
Your sister is in the future. I don’t blame her for this one bit. There is so much I can’t know about your mom’s immediate circumstances, including how valid your sister’s concerns are. Your mom could be a decade or more from needing help from either of you, if ever; her peer group could be multigenerational; her home may have been chosen or adapted for aging in place; one of you could need her before she needs you.
But there is something we all can know, just because it’s life we’re talking about here: Whatever her circumstances, her “now” will come to an end. It doesn’t take an oracle, certainly, to see that an 85-year-old and her car keys aren’t in a long-term relationship. And while all of us need a Plan B at every age and your mom could be fine for years, her independence is facing more and more immediate challenges.
Next: If she’s A-okay with this reality because she assumes you and your sister — from significant drives away — are her Plan B, then your sister’s frustration starts making sense, doesn’t it?
Because even loving, freely given support over a hard distance takes a physical, emotional and economic toll — on caregivers and recipients alike. It can be done, yes. Families wear out airports and highways for one another every day, and maybe the three of you will ultimately choose to do the same if the need arises. But it’s too big and too much just to assume — and it’s too sacred a promise for “available to help … as much as possible” to cover it.
It’s a commitment that wants a plan.
So, next: Calling your mom “selfish” doesn’t help, for sure, nor does your sister’s petulance — and if your mom doesn’t want to move, then your mom doesn’t want to move, and she may not need you or your sister for years or ever, and all that.
Yet: In her regrettable way, whether it was her selfless motive to begin with or not, your sister is making a valid case for some kind of rational communication about What Comes Next, in the hope-it-never-gets-here possible future where Mom’s independence runs out.
We know your mom has shut down your sister’s proposal. Did she entertain any larger what-ifs? All of you would benefit from getting everyone’s preferences out there while you can.
By backing your mom perhaps naively on her “now,” you unwittingly helped shut down family-wide talks on the future.
I’ve worked my way up to the top of your letter, where it’s clear you all love one another and want to stay close, supportive, involved.
So don’t “keep the peace”; value communication. You can’t support one another without knowing how to, and that starts with good listening.
Both Mom and Sis are speaking without being heard. You can hear your sister’s fear (too far away to help Mom). You can hear your mom’s fear (losing herself). You can ask to talk, when they’ve cooled, about everyone’s Plan B, not just Mom’s — because life has its own ideas. And because you can’t be there for each other when you’re just guessing where “there” might be.
