But my in-laws have been radio silent. They don’t call or check in any more than they did before. They ask how I’m feeling when they see me, but that’s kind of it. I was a little hurt, but I assumed they would engage more as the pregnancy progresses. A few days ago, they sent out a group email about the annual New Year’s ski trip. I’m very hurt that they plan to go ahead with a trip that is so close to my due date. Obviously, they just plan on excluding us this year.
I sent my mother-in-law a private email expressing my disappointment. I suggested that maybe we could change the trip this year to a lower-impact date in the fall. I pointed out that the trip is very close to my due date and maybe it would be better for her and my father-in-law to stay closer to home in case something happens or we need help. Instead of answering me, she called my husband and said they don’t want to cancel or change the trip, but she would be happy to do a weekend trip in the fall for a smaller group.
My husband is annoyed I sent the email without telling him. I feel like things have gone off the rails already, and I want to get back on track. I’ve always had a good relationship with my in-laws, and I want to keep it that way, but I’m having a very hard time getting past their disregard for my feelings. I’m looking for a way to maintain a good relationship with them but also take care of myself.
Neglected: Congratulations! My husband and I are also due in January with our first child. I understand that it’s a very exciting and life-changing event. And yes, my husband and I have spent a lot of time talking about the baby. I can see how it’s easy to become immersed in All Things Baby. It sounds like your in-laws are excited for you, too!
But, here’s the deal: We can’t expect the world to stop for other people. It sounds like you’re expecting several people to rearrange their schedules and reschedule an annual trip. I don’t think that’s reasonable. While I’m sure your in-laws are excited about the baby, they have other things going on in their lives, too.
If it’s any consolation, your in-laws are gone around New Year’s and it’s unlikely your baby will arrive that early. They’ll probably be back well before you deliver. So, let them have their annual ski trip, rest up and enjoy your last few weeks of your quiet home before your little one arrives!
— Another January 2025 Mom
Neglected: Oh the blessing of noninvasive in-laws! The freedom! I’ve started off with a similar in-laws fantasy, but my real-life version of that fantasy are bored, bossy and meddling in-laws. Would you rather that? My first marriage might have survived if it weren’t for his mother.
Tall fences make good neighbors, and in-laws focused on living their own lives make great in-laws. Congratulations on your pregnancy and hope you are feeling well!
Neglected: In a way, I agree with your husband. Not because you have to check with him before reaching out to his family, but, because it’s his side of the family that’s affecting you. The two of you should be able to talk it over together. After all, you don’t say why he was annoyed you didn’t tell him. Was it because he doesn’t like inter-family drama? Would he have preferred to be the messenger for something the two of you were bringing up together? Does he share how you feel about their response and the merits of continuing an annual trip? Any of those feel entirely plausible to me.
So, I would start with the person closest to you — him. Whether he is on your side or not, and I hope he is, the two of you should be able to understand and advocate for each other. Tell him how this is making you feel and why you reached out to them, then go from there, openly and compassionately. I don’t know if your in-laws are the kind of people who can provide the support you’re asking for. But he’s the man you’ll raise a child with, and the two of you must be able to be open with each other.
Neglected: All three of our adult children have kids. The grandparents-to-be have to maintain the relationships with all family members while making room for the new grandchild in their lives. Imagine how slighted the rest of the family may feel if they had to give up a cherished annual ski vacation just because you “might” go into labor. They will be back from skiing within a couple of days, so wish them plenty of snow and easy travels. We are skiers, too, but now we get to ski with our kids and grandchildren, as we have kept the ski week tradition alive.
Neglected: You say this is a first grandchild on all sides, so this isn’t one of those situations where the grandparents dote more on some grandkids than others. It’s very likely your in-laws haven’t processed things at the same rate as your family, or they are simply more reserved, hands-off in their relationships overall. Give them the opportunity to be involved; don’t push when they don’t want that, and maybe they’ll come around once the baby’s here.
Or, like my mother-in-law, they may be the kind of grandparents who don’t bond with babies but find engagement with older kids enormously fulfilling. My parents and my mother-in-law could not have been more different in what they wanted or needed in their grandparental roles, and everyone was happiest when we gave them each what they wanted, within our own boundaries. No more and no less.
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
