Advice | Carolyn Hax: How to resist the burn of a caustic sense of humor?
Recently, a friend told me that my humor is nothing but zingers, and that some people are afraid to tell me things because they know I’ll tease them about it. I feel awful about this, and now I’m trying to ensure that my sense of humor isn’t solely based on making fun of others.
I realize I do to other people what my family does to me. I’m a freelance artist, but most of my money comes from commissions from people in various fandoms. I never let my family know this anymore, because one time my dad saw my art and he just had a ball with it. He made fun of it and me, even when I said I put my heart into it and the client was really happy. The family still brings it up when I say I have a new project. They’re not trying to be mean; they’re teasing me in good fun, not expecting me to take it to heart, but I do.
It’s awful to find out that I’ve been doing this same thing to other people. I don’t want to be the sarcastic, cutting [glass bowl] anymore, but it’s hard to break the habit. Are there any good strategies for being more self-aware in the moment? Most of the time, the words are out of my mouth before I realize it.
Zinger: One of the most effective behavior changers, when you can’t catch the behavior before it happens, is to catch it immediately after: “Oh — I’m sorry I said that. It’s a bad habit I’m trying to break. I am actually …” (happy for you/impressed by your work/envious of your situation/sorry you’re going through that). Basically, have the do-over as soon as the need for one occurs to you. In the moment in front of everyone is ideal, though an hour/day/week later is still better than nothing.
This throws you into the work of changing — more effective than just deciding, “I want to change.” Plus, it shows your friends you care about them, know you’re a [glass bowl] sometimes and have the guts to do your self-renovation out in the open.
I see you, by the way. Oof.
Re: Sarcasm: As a sarcastic person, I believe in the 7-to-1 rule: For every zinger or ribbing-type quip, there should be seven genuine remarks or compliments. When it’s all zingers all the time, people might think you’re really not joking at all.
Anonymous: Right. Or that you’re so thin-skinned, you need defenses so high they block out the sun.
Other readers’ thoughts:
· Teasing and taunting are not loving behaviors. They’re distancing, menacing and unkind behaviors. You already recognize you can’t share a precious part of yourself with your family because of this. Recognizing how hurtful this has been to others is a big step, not just for breaking the habit, but also for acknowledging how hurtful this has been to you.
· Chop-busting only works among people who accept and respect the things that someone deems sensitive and off-limits. People who are not doing that are NOT doing it “all in good fun,” and it might be worth taking another look at how your family interacts in other ways.
